the state of lonliness

This isn’t a travel writing thing…. I just wrote this in 10 minutes. I didn’t even read over it. I just wanted to put it somewhere even though it sucks. All my writing has been so sucky lately. Anyways, I think I will try to get into this blog more. Even though no one is going to see this. Roar loneliness.

She stands on the edge of the precipice and there is salt in her eyes. She breathes and the air turns silver. You tell her that it’s time to go home and all that she hears is that you love her. You don’t know if you love her. You feel bad for not loving her. But there’s the sky and she is staring at the sky and watching the sunset and you remember not to feel too bad. She is not in love with just you. She is in love with the world, and you are part of it. You are more part of her world than the sky is the moon and the life is the breath. There is salt on her fingers and when she kisses you she is kissing the sky. Her eyes are flowers and you are a beast. Your hair is frizzed and out of control, and the smiles that you give are not as strong as they used to be. They used to be 3 pm grins in stone hedge libraries. Where you stared at a computer and the computer laughs at you for being so dependant.
Those were the days that you felt in company. When there was a buzz and a laugh. And now you’re with her and you’re the closed you’ve ever been from being far from death. She laughs and laughs and you feel so alone. You don’t know why you feel so alone. It is almost as if alone is not what you feel, but what you are.
You wonder if you will ever be used to being alone, but you do not think so.
Days like these, they are harder now.
Now that you realize what she has done to you. You want frizzy hair and soft cheeks.
You want licorice and Gameboy.
You have her waist in your hands and you’re begging her not to fall. You say that you will miss her. But she doesn’t believe you.
And she falls.
She falls.
She falls.
She is the world and the world is crashing.
The sunsets are not always gorgeous,
you learned this when you were but a child. But yet they have never been uglier than they are now.
Now, with vomit in her stomach or maybe it is your stomach.
She is in love with the idea of spending forever with you, with one person. But she doesn’t know how to do that. She’s scared of falling, even though it is all that she wants to do. Her complexity confuses you but she tells you not to worry.
It will all be over one day.
The pain will fade.
The skies will be pretty again.
She will be pretty again.
up
up
you forgot what sadness was like
or maybe you just didn’t remember until just now. The sound of a heart breaking is silent. It falls on the velvet floors of the doctors office, and gets swept up with the other tears and bandages and blood and body parts. They fall into a tunnel that churns and churns. It never stops churning and we never stop leaving.
You stand on the precipice and there are tears in your eyes and your head aches and you know that you are alone. You cannot stand being this alone. But you have nothing to do. You sit down and there is so much salt on your body you know what she must have felt.
You want to jump into the river but you don’t know where that river is.
You feel like you will never be clean. You feel like you will never be the same. And the earth is crashing and bumping into your soul. She tells you “land aho” until you remember that she is not here anymore. She does not exist.
What exists is the sky.
The sky that crinkles up in deformed clouds, like is it scared of the earth.
It churns your stomach, the way that the sky never laughs at you anymore.
You want to be someone.
You want to stop crying.
You want  to not be alone.
You want the sky to understand.
but the sky can never understand, it is much too solitary for that and you are much too mobile. Maybe that is why she is gone. Maybe that is why you left her. Maybe that is why when she tells you there is land aho, you swear that she is actually here.
loneliness is a state

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