sad, searching for happy

White lipstick comes cheap from the drugstore counter, bought with birthday money and change from behind the bubble gum machine. I took the lipstick home, hiding it with candy wrappers and movie stubs under my bed. I was young then, the idea of makeup still terrifying. In my innocence I forgot about the white lipstick, brining it out only occasionally when there was a dusty mirror and beating heart. I would dab it lightly on, just a pale ghost coating of white over lips. But pig tails and knee-high socks told me it looked bad and I licked it off my lips, stashing the tube back under the bed with little consequence.
And now, I wonder what has happened. Each morning, a darker coat of white painted with precision. White lipstick numbs a tongue. White lipstick, white lies. Breath that fogs the air even when the sun is out. White, everywhere. Hiding my face.
I look out at you, and you look back at me like you know me. Like I tell you only truths. But non-truths hang in the air like fruit, even for you who cannot sense them. I don’t cloak in white makeup each morning to protect myself; I do it to protect you. So that you do not worry about me. And I am sure, with a search through your bathroom I would find tubes of empty white chap stick. So you can protect me. What a vicious cycle to be caught in. Who are we?
I’m going to post a life update, because that seems like a good thing to do. There are a couple things going very right in my life right now, and a couple of things going very wrong. But we will focus on the very right things, because they have to do with travel, which was the original purpose of this blog.

A couple weeks back I visited Boston with my dad, marking my first visit there. It was the sort of cold and rainy that chills bones and freezes fingers, but still, it was nice. There’s something indescribably beautiful about travel. Not being a tourist, but genuine travel. Like waiting in the rain for the t-train to come. Like scuffling in an out of the trains with the crowd, one in many as if I were a member of the city. Walking around the streets. Being struck by the fact that there are people who walk here everyday, knowing these streets like the back of their hands and could tell you where the best latte would be. I love people on the surface level, and I love people on the deeper level. That’s the way to go. Anyway. Ramble. I went to Boston to look at colleges. Although Colorado is beautiful, there is something about the rest of the world. A desire to discover new things and to escape this hole of suburban idiots that I have spend 17 years living among. However, to be completely honest, Boston was not as awesome as I had hoped.
It was awesome, yes, just not what I imagined. There are some places that exceed your expectations, and Boston was not one of those places.
However, I did fall in love with Boston University. I toured their Communications department and it was magical. Everyone was so friendly, and their program is so, so good and developed. They had amazing equipment (an entire room where students can borrow go pros, $1000+ cameras, and basically every film or photography equipment that you could ever need. Plus, I talked to another journalism major. She was really nice and liked me, so that was nice. Honestly, I think that there program would be perfect for me. The only problem right now is tuition and also I do not know if I could live in Boston.
The other positive travel news… I leave for Senegal in less than three months! Wow! I have been waiting for so long for this that it feels surreal. I booked my ticket to and from D.C. (where the plane for Senegal takes off) last night, and used the mileage points on my mom’s credit card so I saved $500 and got it for free. Which is amazing. And today I wrote the check paying for the tuition. I am so surprised with myself that I managed to save up as much as I did. And also so proud of myself. I did not think that I was going to be able to go on this trip, because of extreme cost, but I worked hard and somehow managed to gather nearly all the money. I am not sure how I did it, I am still in shock! These next three months better go  by so quickly. They are all that I am living for, at this point.
(Well, that and the fact that my best friend Isaac is coming to Colorado for a couple weeks in either June or August and oh my god we are going to rock the town.)

I do not want to spend too much time on the negative bits. Just know that my family is getting bad and miserable again. Easter was probably one of the worst family days in several months. I will not go into details, but there was a lot and it has left me feeling even more down than usual today. That quickly written crap piece at the beginning was addressed to my mom. I have been telling her these little lies lately. White lies. They really just started a month ago when I started getting bad again and I had to constantly be somewhere to distract myself. I tell her I am with friends, or somewhere that I very much am not, so that she does not worry. I am usually alone. At book stores or driving around. Trying to both think and not think. I know it is not good to lie. I just do not want her to worry about me. She has enough on her plate.
With the depression sort of things that I have been feeling, other than family there is some bits about friends and self-perception and school and others that I do not want to bitch about. Basically I am a deeply lonely person. Also the Friday before Easter, that was one of my worst mental days in maybe even a year and I am glad I got through it. Now that my mental state has reached what I hope is its absolute low, I am hoping that it starts to improve. We will see. If anyone wants to find me and cuddle me I would be very in love with that I do desperately need to just lie down and rant to someone for a long time and feel loved.

This is all ❤
I will try to post more in these 3 months leading up to my trip, but maybe not because school is about to get hella stressful.

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